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Agent Of Chaos - A poem by Molly McNamara

I hear

My stomach rumbling now

My body is a temple

Came crumbling down

Through the ruins

I search for mistakes

I remember my fault

I remember the breaks

My body once precious

Is now gaunt of its parts

I must remember

Go back to the start

When I was full

My body still ticked

I was a human

Before I was tricked

-

I drifted through the cosmos

Because you were lost

I didn’t know what it would take

Didn’t know what it would cost

I wouldn’t have cared

But I definitely should

I ignored the bad

I searched for the good

You screamed in a vacuum

And my fullness listened close

I yearned to see you

To save us both

You were alone in the stars

And you weren’t the first

But I have enough air

And I’ve been through worse

As I search behind planets

I’m remembering more

I’ve searched this path

I’ve been here before

There’s something inside me

That urges going back

But you yell to me in pain

And my worries just stack

Though I remember this journey

I shove it all down

I can’t centre myself

When you have no ground

Beyond better reason I keep going

To look

I search every corner

Every cranny

Every nook

But something feels wrong

And then nothing at all

I feel my body pull

And I know it’s your call

My intuition is helpless

To your magnetic strength

I blow out my senses

And follow the scent

There it is before me

What has taken you here

A black hole eating space

It’s intentions are clear

You’re inside somehow

Somehow, still alive

You must be breathing darkness

With the nothing by your side

I push down my fear

And push in my brave

To dive right in

You need to be saved

-

The nothing is cold

Colder than ice

I feel like I’m dying

I’m paying a price

There are no thoughts anymore

I’m shaking afraid

If I’m paying a price

I hope it gets paid

I forget again

Why I jumped in

Where I was

And where that I went

I know I am scared

I know I am cold

To have jumped in here

I must’ve been bold

But my senses fill up

With a monstrous scream

Skating my systems

Cooling my steam

The scream is inside me

Yet somehow all around

I feel that it’s ripping

I’m moving with the sound

I know where I am now

I know that’s your yell

I don’t need answers

I know how to tell

Your desperation is taunting

And I’ve heard it before

You want me to scream too

You want me to give more

There were creatures before you

Who attempted this trap

And I am the idiot

Who was lost with a map

I know what comes next

But I’m not prepared

But I know that you like that

You want me to be scared

Through all your pain

You want me to suffer too

If you can drag me apart

You can follow me through

So your darkness rips me

Dislocated my joints

Feasting on my weakness

Making that a point

You tear me to my centre

Beat me to my core

In a minute i am nothing

But you have more in store

-

Suddenly im in nature

Where we used to walk

But you are no where around

So I take my stock

Two arms, two legs

One body one head

I’ve survived the black hole

Only to pick at threads

So I decide to stop searching

For the scar of my past

But I’m suddenly in pain

And it leaves me aghast

There is something on my back

Something sucking through my skin

Something that followed me here

And wants to eat my sin

I feel for its body

It’s like a tick or a leech

You found your way back

When I followed your screech

I know you are the creature

Sucking my life

I remember the pain now

I remember your strife

I stumble through the forest

While you drain me dry

I wish I remembered earlier

I wish I remembered why

Why you taunted me into the space

Beyond space, into naught

You ripped me from my confidence

You marked me in the spot

I’ve traveled through this forest

With you, and other times

But remembering only hurts

It’s a punishment for my crime

I make it to a clearing

With what little I have left

You feed on my hollowness

My no self respect

I see the tower

From where I began

I know it has crumbled

I know what I am

So I use all my. Strength

And pull you off

To lie with the stones

To let my body rot

-

You won’t feed on me

I decide my fate

So I’d rather die here

Than live fading away