What follows is an account of the alien abduction of Gerry Battles in Pallaskenry, Limerick as told to the Limerick Post in February 2016. All quotes, details and images have been taken from articles posted by the Limerick Post, Irish Mirror and the Daily Mail. Some details are deliberate tongue-in-cheek exaggerations and are narrative gaps interpreted by the writer.
Seven Sisters Pub, Kildimo, 8 pm, St Stephens day, 2001.
Battles finished his second pint and bade his pal’s farewell. The pub was quiet, and the bartender nodded as he headed for the door. He stepped out onto the tarmac, a light hung in the awning above his head. It barely illuminated the heavy, viscous hedges that clung to the other side of the road.
“It was a clear, dry night. It was really crisp and frosty – just beautiful”
His breath hung in the air as he meandered his way down towards his home. “You could have read a book with the light off the night sky.” He stopped at the edge of a puddle and marveled at the reflection of the night sky at his feet, craning his neck back to take in the stars.
Like a smack into the side of the head, he was blinded by a ‘bright, surgical white light coming from the other end of the boreen.’
His vision returned, and he found himself amongst dozens of people, frozen in place.
"They were all male, of differnt age groups, all standing shoulder to shoulder like mannequins.”
His eyes moved calmly across the bodies that stood like bloated flamingos in a big, murky freezer. A man stood to his right wearing a ‘Columbo-style coat and hat’.
The hairs on his arms stood up as he felt his body start to rise towards the ceiling, passing into a larger chamber. He found himself in the centre of 360 degree viewing deck.
“It was then I saw the extraterrestrial. I couldn’t tell how big he was or even if he had arms or legs, all I remember is his big cone head and his beautiful, ginormous eyes. They were jet black, almost like mirrors.”
It's big beautiful, wet head reflected the soft throbbing light of the room as his mind was filled with a gentle voice.
“He spoke to me through telepathy and said: ‘You are not terrified like the others.’
Gerry's superior Pallaskenrian DNA clearly impressed the creature and as he replied, “No, I am not. Should I be?”
- credit Limerick Post
The alien's expression did not change as they stood in silence until its voice filled his head once again, “where would you like to go?”
“The North Pole”, he replied.
“The next thing the extraterrestrial gave a command, and in an instant we were at the North Pole. I was in awe. I remember thinking of that line from ‘Star Trek’: “warp speed Mr. Sulu”. It was like driving through a snowstorm at 500 miles an hour.”
The alien's tone shifted and began speaking in a low rumble, “In 850 years from now, a giant asteroid the size of Munster is going to obliterate your planet. The asteroid will approach your planet from the 35th Quadrant.”
Floating in stasis above the North Pole, the alien explained that every earthly government was lying to its people ‘since day one’ and told him not to trust the banks as they had a ‘hidden agenda’.
“You must use the force. Be one with the force. Harness the force,” the alien hummed as Gerry drifted away.
Two weeks passed as Gerry shakily unlocked his front door. His arms were full of various Centra goods: a box of wedges, two Uncle Ben’s microwave golden vegetable rice and a can of club orange. He bundled his way into the kitchen and sat them down on the counter.
He warmed his hands on the delicate deli box, wondering why he felt so cold. He noticed his reflection in the kitchen window and saw that his Palleskenrian frame was draped in an old Star Wars graphic t-shirt and not his new Ted Baker puffer jacket. He went to his room and checked the wardrobe, searching for the beloved overcoat that his eldest grandchild had bought him for Christmas. He stood there staring into the mirror trying to think back to when he last wore it. It was St Stephens day at the Seven Sisters pub. He remembered adjusting the zipper in the bathroom to reveal just the first two buttons of his shirt underneath , how when he sat down the jackets puffs maintained a beautiful neutral shape – not too round or bulbous but also not too flat. His friends commented on how slimming it was on Gerry as he stood up finishing the last drop of his pint. He remembered how warm he was as he stepped out the front door and how his arms didn’t make that annoying swishing sound as he walked. He remembered the clear sky and how he stopped to look at the stars , how that bright light blinded him…. Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls suddenly roared in the kitchen as his phone rang.
“Hello , is this Gerry Battles?”
“Yes , who is this?”
“I am a contractor working at the Regional hospital. Did you by any chance leave a magnificent Ted Baker puffer jacket here by mistake?”
Gerry's hands began to shake, it all came flooding back as the image of the creature's ovoid eyes boomed in his brain. He dropped the phone.
“Well, just found it here on the roof of the Regional. Very smart putting your name and phone number on the tag, it is such a noble piece of clothing, I figured you'd be worried sick. No idea how the fuck you even got up here”.
- credit Limerick Post
I first became aware of this story 2 years ago when researching UFO activity in or around Limerick City. The first 5 links on Google were articles relating to supposed ‘alien sightings’ in the north side of Limerick city. A review of each link found that the supposed sightings were, in fact a light show rehearsal at Thomond Park.
- credit Limerick Leader
Further down was a Limerick Post article titled ‘Close Encounters of the County Limerick kind’.
The article contained the story of 61 year old retired carpenter Gerry Battles and his abduction by extra terrestrials in 2001.
The story was fantastic and it was clear from the tone of the article that the author was not taking Gerry's story seriously. Most websites covering the story used silly stock images and cliché sci-fi jargon.
- Amazing photo by the Irish Mirror
I became enamored by the photos of Gerry , one of which was him standing looking very stern in front of a trampoline on its side, with the words ‘We are not alone. I met the real E.T’, painted on it.
The dozens of alien portraits that covered his home implied an obsession that went far beyond this one article. Was Gerry currently just sitting in Pallaskenry with a house covered in paintings of aliens? I emailed the Limerick Post straight away to inquire whether they had his contact details. For months I got no reply, so I tried again but this time I rang their office. The person who answered the phone had no idea what the story was and said that the author was out on lunch. I emailed several times and rang back on different days, but I never got any answers. Eventually I think the Post got sick of emailing and replied with some terrible news.
Gerry had moved to Dublin some years ago and apparently turned pretty nasty once the story was published. He is described in the article as a ‘level-headed gentleman’ and that he had no history of mental illness.
The only evidence of Battles online is the Limerick Post article as well as the multitudes of online news-site copycat articles that came after. There is no mention or photo of him on any local or Dublin Facebook accounts. I have searched the comment sections on posts relating to UFOs in Ireland but have found no presence of Gerry anywhere. He is still alive as there is no mention of his death on the glorious source that is RIP.ie.
I suppose we could travel to Kildimo and question the bartenders in the Seven Sisters but this was nearly a decade ago, and there is no way to know how long Gerry has been gone from the area.
This obsession might lead you to believe that we take the story of Gerry battles very serious , it is quite the opposite. There is no doubt in our mind that this man is lying. One of LMFAOs guiding principles is that we will believe your story, but that does not mean we are going to guzzle down any slop that is presented. We are not working with much activity in the Limerick area, so anything that presents itself must be covered.
His use of Star Wars/Trek references throughout the story is an indicator that we are working with a hoax. UFO stories where the experiencer is a sci-fi fan usually carry the tropes and clichés of the genre. “You must use the force” Who the fuck are we kidding here, Gerry? Real abductees sit meekly barely able to speak about their experiences. Gerry on the other hand quotes George Lucas and presents himself as an alpha Pallaskenrian male who, due to his superior DNA and character, is not fazed by the presence of the E.T like the ‘others’.
How did the person on the roof of the Regional know it was his jacket and have his phone number? He must have really loved that jacket to write his full phone number on the collar; perhaps that is something common amongst older men.
The use of ‘light-years’ to measure time when it is a measure of distance and the ‘35th quadrant’ makes the story so unserious. This account, when examined by paranormal researchers of any caliber, can be recognised as a wimpish attempt at an abduction story that pulls from various dated sci-fi sources.
It is easy to completely disregard his story but Gerry does say that the aim of him making his story public is in hopes that one day it will ‘reach the scientific community’. I doubt that his intentions were money or fame; perhaps he truly does believe he had an experience. As with all experiences of high strangeness it goes back to ‘I know what I saw’. Even if he hallucinated the whole event due to two pints of Guinness, is it not real to him? Perhaps these aliens aren't visitors from another galaxy, perhaps they are higher beings that presented themselves within his brain in a form that he could understand. Maybe the experience mingled with his years of sci-fi digestion, the brain protecting itself from collapse through familiar imagery. This almost could be considered a viable theory, but then you read a top-tier quote from Gerry like this: “ The aliens use 'dark matter' or 'dark energy' as a perfect cloaking device to keep their universe hidden from our own.”
- credit The Irish Mirror
We would like badly to speak with Gerry. The imagery of his house and garden covered in hand-painted pictures of aliens in Limerick is so amazing, LMFAO is heartbroken that we have missed our chance.
If any reader is from Pallaskenry, has family there or knows someone from there, please quiz them on Gerry. He has grandchildren out there; perhaps his strangeness rubbed off on one of them, and they are out there in the city making art or music.
If you have any leads on Gerry's whereabouts or how to get in contact with him, please email Limericksaucer123@Gmail.com
